I was on ‘holiday’ this week. As you’ve probably gathered from the title and the previous sentence, it wasn’t particularly enjoyable. I really wish it wasn’t and I kinda feel guilty at having not enjoyed it. But I can’t say it was a surprise. Last year I had chest pains throughout the family holiday because it stressed me out so much. However I didn’t expect it to be worse than last year. Last year we spent a week in Italy (I know, poor me), but this year we spent three days in Whitby (a town on the coast of Yorkshire). Italy should have been more stressful because it involved air travel, a lot of heat and sharing a room with my parents. In Whitby there was no air travel, the temperature was nice and I had my own room, and yet I ended up throwing up from how stressed out I was after a meltdown.
Again, I feel guilty about not enjoying either holiday as I feel sort of ungrateful and I know how lucky I am to even be able to go on holiday, but they both really upset me.
The two main reasons for the level of stress were sensory overload and my sister. Sensory overload is a given when going anywhere, but on its own it wouldn’t push me over the edge. My sister is… well words fail to describe how awful her behaviour is. Though a lot of what stresses me out is her name calling and attitude towards me, the most stressful thing is how she affects the atmosphere within the family. She stresses everyone out and I seem to sense that quite strongly.
Anyway, on the day we got there I expected to be slightly uncomfortable at the change of routine and the two hour car journey. And I was okay-ish, or I thought I was, until after our meal at a restaurant. I started sensing something was wrong, I thought it was just anxiety but I realised that I wasn’t breathing properly. What happens occasionally is that I tense my diaphragm muscles when I get stressed out, but if I don’t realise I’m stressed out I keep doing it until I can’t breathe. Luckily I git back to my room before it could get too bad.
The second day was worse than the first because my sister was playing up and wouldn’t eat anywhere, because it’s fun to be awkward apparently. That was more undue stress, but the rest of the day passed mostly without incidence. The next day I just sorta crashed. By lunch I was exhausted, which didn’t make much sense as I’d had enough sleep. So, I went back to bed for a few hours. Later, my sister made my other sister cry because she refused to turn off the light and my other sister needed to go to sleep. That was the trigger for a meltdown resulting in my throwing up. So now i just feel ill and unhappy and it could take a while to recover.
I’m not really sure what the point of this was, apart from venting, so sorry about that. Hopefully, I’ll post more interesting/useful stuff next week.
Have a nice Sunday!